almost dead.

It's painful to see when life brings so much hardship that we cannot even bare to look up and hope that the Lord is saying that this too shall pass...

I look at what has ensued in my life through the past 8 years and I have at times cringed because of the pain that was so prevalent in my past. The pain that I'm supposed to just " let go". But the fact is that it's not always that easy. It's one thing to want to, another to try to, another to have others tell you that you need to, but when you have to then that's what changes everything. The thing is, I HAD to! If I didn't, then I would literally lose all that I had grown to love in my life. The Lord made it clear to me that I cannot, and will not be okay to hold onto the past anymore.

So...how do I do that?

How do I let go of pain that I do not know how to let go of? Where is it and is it possible to let it go? Well that's the thing.. it's not possible without God. I was looking to let things go within my own power, but what I wasn't realizing was that I needed to give it to God and listen closely to Him for how to defeat my sin.

I didn't even realize that I WAS sinning though! How is it that what happened when my dad and mom separated and caused me to become the head of the household was causing me to sin? That's just it though. I was unaware of my resentment and unwillingness of my sinful selfish heart, to admit that I STILL hadn't forgiven my family and I had especially neglected to see the sin of not forgiving the father who the Lord blessed me with.

So there it was, I was face to face with my sin. Now what though? How do I let it go? Well, I forgive. I went to my family, and I began the tough process of speaking to them about how much pain I grew up though since 2005, and guess what. The Lord blessed it. He truly has helped me to surpass this struggle and thanks to Jesus it has passed and I can truly let it go.

Now I'm here, just wanting to heal. I feel much like a tree that has been growing up around thistles, trash, and debris and I (as that tree) just decided to grow despite those things. Those things began to slowly but surely envelop into the tree trunk of my development and although I didn't want that, I knew I had to let it happen, much like how I now know that God HAD to rip those debris out of me. He cut my trunk, and slowly but meticulously cleared out all of those unhealthy contaminants and it is finally time for healing. I'm so glad that no matter how hard it became, and no matter how excruciating it was to have those things yanked from my foolishly tight grasp, that the Lord cleansed me of my unrighteousness, sorrow and pain.

Now, it's just me, the Lord, and lots of healing within myself, Skyler, our relationship, and our families that we all so desperately need. Praise Him ALWAYS!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:3-7

control and release.

Through this past week, I have been (basically) cornered into a place where I have had to surrender (and re-surrender) burdens that are not mine to carry. [okay, a really quick side note, but I've always wondered exactly how do I surrender a burden? There's no "how-to" in the Bible on how to do this, and there's definitely no one that I have ever met who can give me a step by step guide]. Anyways...I have been in a place where I have had to make decisions about relationships: with the Lord, with Aaron, with my family, with my friends...with just about everyone in my life (including myself). And let me tell you, these were hard decisions. Like not, "Who do I want to spend time with today?" or "What do Aaron and I want to eat for dinner?" but hard decisions. Decisions that have caused me to make my calling and election sure, not to the Lord, but to myself. I have had to say some hard things, stand by hard actions, and cry hard. And I mean hard. The you can't breathe, can't sleep, eyes swollen, fists sore from hitting your bed hard. I have had to get on my knees and tell God that I can't do this anymore; I can't walk this walk You have called me to, or obey You, and I certainly cannot be holy like You want. 

[What happened next has never brought me as much comfort or as much fear in my entire life]

"You can and you will." That's it. That's what I heard loud and clear. "You can and you will." Okay, I know it may not be THAT scary, but to know that you will be kept in suffering until God says that suffering is over is a little frightening. Actually, it's very scary for me. And to know that that suffering could be 40 days in the wilderness or 40 years in the desert causes some worry in me. See, when I was little, my mom and dad divorced (like many couples have). It has been my life to live in two places, have two families, have two lives. Because of how I grew up, I have felt the need to be in control of other people's actions. [side note: I am in no way placing blame on anyone for how I grew up; actually, I am grateful for the circumstances God has allowed. I am only explaining where this fear has come from]. So, I lived my life in two places, controlling two people who love me. I learned how to manipulate situations so people would act the way I planned. I learned how to get people to believe what I was saying, even if it wasn't true. I am scared to lose control. I am scared to give up my power to make people the way I want them to be.

But in all of that, I have lost the sight of one MAJOR detail: God is in control. What kind of crazy person am I that I wouldn't want to give God control of my life? He knows everything, He has ordained everything, and He loves me. Who could I give control to do it better? [Answer: NO ONE] Honestly, I should be overjoyed that I don't have to do this at all! As long as I obey and live in the freedom it is to be holy, I don't have to do one single thing. How comforting to know that when we let go and let God (sorry for the cliche), that we truly can have no worry or anxiety.

So God has told me that I can and I will walk the walk He has called me to. I can and I will obey Him. And I can and will be holy like He desires. I don't know what any of these look like, and I for sure don't know what He will use to get me to the place I need to be, but I do know the following:
-I am called to be holy.
-I can trust God with all things.
-His grace is sufficient in my weakness.
-I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.
-I AM FREE!

"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Eph. 1:11-12 

    

healing.

As I (almost literally) crawl into bed tonight I am just utterly and completely demolished by the overwhelming issues that I have encountered within myself that have plagued my soul for so many years. These trials were on the cusp of destroying every blessing that I have fallen in love with (including the love of my life) and most horrifyingly, I had lost sight of God in the delusion of their existence in my heart. Praise God that He reigns and that we must acknowledge Him in this way in order to live a life according to His purpose for us:

Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever. http://bible.us/Ps73.25.NLT

There is so much wrong in our sinful nature that it can and does cloud what we must do to serve our God, but He gave us His word as a beautiful promise and a guide for our lives:

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work. http://bible.us/2Tim3.16.NLT

Although I (and many believers) know that His word is a lamp unto our feet and a light into our path we still are engulfed in a sinful world that causes us to feel pressured and trapped by iniquity, but we must remember that He only gives us what we need in order to grow whether we choose to or not:

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. http://bible.us/2Cor4.8.NLT

It is important to note that all men will stumble due to our flesh demanding us to satisfy its cravings, but God desires that we not feed the flesh, but to feed and nurture the spirit so that when we fall that we can recover no matter how many times it occurs:

The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. http://bible.us/Prov24.16.NLT

I have just become so exhausted with the falling, and I forget that those falls are what propel us to grow in Him. I must yield my whole self and every sin I have (and will commit) to the Lord so that I can see His divine goodness:

Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. http://bible.us/Ps27.13.NLT

I'm just so impatient and selfish that I truly lose sight of Him and that in itself is sin. I tend to forget that I must trust in Him in the entirety of my being in order for me to be able to hear His words and to heed them:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. http://bible.us/Prov3.5.NLT

I still fall short of always trusting in Him despite every good and perfect gift that He blesses me with, and that makes me feel so weak and feeble that I don't know how to push forward, but nevertheless, the Lord empowers me without fail to be triumphant in the sins that I am so full of:

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. http://bible.us/Deut31.6.NLT

I just feel like I can't go on sometimes, and it's at that very moment that He reminds me that it's His heavenly grace that makes beautiful things out of our weaknesses:

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. http://bible.us/2Cor12.9.NLT

That all being said, I am still so unequivocally burned out, beaten, battered, bruised, and in utter pain tonight and I need rest:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” http://bible.us/Matt11.28.NLT

I'm so done with all that has ensued these past few days that I can't even express joy that God has me in His hands and that He will care for me if I cast all of my cares on Him, but I can tell you this... I'm eternally grateful for what He did on the cross, and for what He is constantly doing in my heart to rip out and burn up anything and everything that is not of Him in my soul. He is literally fighting for me, and for us.

The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” http://bible.us/Exod14.14.NLT

I don't know what He's doing and it could take time before I ever can understand what He is doing right now in and through me:

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. http://bible.us/Isa43.19.NLT

That must be it, I have a desperate need for a pathway, a pathway to healing that cannot be blazed by my own doing. I NEED HIM severely. I need Him more than I ever have. I need Him to take me, cleanse me of all of my sins and heal me.

Make me new Father, you're all I need.

where am i going?

[photo credit]

                                                                 

You know that feeling when you just can't see what's ahead, the feeling when everything is foggy and unclear? You don't know what maneuvers you should make or whether to turn left or right until JUST BEFORE you're supposed to.

That is exactly my life right now. I don't know what's ahead. I don't know what to expect. I can't even be sure of what the next hour holds. After a long, restless night of struggling with this loss of power and after a shattering reality check, I felt hopeless, desperate, out of control. I felt numb. Waking up was the hardest this morning and facing the day seemed nearly impossible.

But wouldn't you know, I just couldn't see what was ahead.

My friend and bridesmaid Stephanie sent me this verse this afternoon: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deut. 31:8). Reading these words were seriously like aloe vera on sunburned skin: soothing but quickly fading. You know what I mean, like when you put aloe vera on your burned shoulders but have to reapply 10 minutes later to get the same feeling. This verse not only comforted me, but I had to literally read it once every half an hour to be comforted by it. Before I explain how it comforts, let's dissect what it says:

1. The Lord himself goes before you-God leads the way in the fogginess of this life. He has prepared the way we should walk in. He knows the struggles that lie ahead of me and has suffered in those same struggles. Because of that very reason, He can suffer along with me.

2. The Lord himself will be with you-God has promised to always be with those He has chosen. How cool to know that the Creator of the universe desires to be with me through every circumstance?!

3. He will never leave you-When it feels as though I am alone in what I am going through, knowing that the Lover of my soul will never leave me is more comforting that Haagen Dazs Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream on a bad day.

4. He will never forsake you-As if staying with me forever wasn't a good enough promise, the Lord will NEVER forget me or turn His back on me. That is a promise! Think about it: God, in heaven, actually forsook His son on the Cross but promises to never forget about me? Unreal but it's a promise!

5. Do not be afraid-This is a command. If my Father in heaven commands me to be fearless, I have to trust that He is my protector and my shield and that He is the one who fights for me.

6. Do not be discouraged-Oh how easy it is to be discouraged! Look at this world, our society...if we look at our lives and our sin, it is SO easy to get carried away with discouragement. One way to combat this? Focus on the hope of heaven.

Now, as if it isn't already obvious, every verse in the Bible that serves us is comforting. To know that we are taken care of by the Creator is a relief. But how difficult it is to live out this verse: to know with full confidence that He goes before me (even when I feel like I'm at a dead end); to know He is with me (even though I am 99.99% sure I am alone); to know He won't leave me or forsake me (just refer to the two reasons above); and to obey his commands (yeaaaaah right! How am I always to be fearless and encouraged in this life?) I am standing in front of my sin in shame right now. I have not been able to know or obey any part of this verse...until today. To be at a place where I have to be completely dependent upon the Lord for guidance and direction, to lead me through the fog and to obey His leading...well, it's been a long time since I've been here. 

I guess it was time for another lesson. And you know what?

It feels good to be back at this place, fully trusting and walking in faith and victory.

changes.

There are many uncertain things in life that we encounter daily, one of which is primarily the uncertainty of safety or security. So many of us walk in this world weary and leery of someone or something hurting us like a car crash, a bad fall, getting robbed, our car breaking down, a job loss, failing a test, or just causing a horrible fight. What's even more terrible is the fact that many of us in this world are facing these worries without the Lord! It's bad enough going through those things, but to do that without Him would be insurmountable (at least for me.)


I need the Father, 24/7. I cannot live without Him in my life, I cannot breathe in pure Godly peace without Him and I cannot lead my fiancée and our relationship without our Savior. That's what He is, He saves us. He saves us daily. We go though struggles to strengthen our walk, we encounter change because He seeks to have us move with the Spirit of the Lord: "Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." (2 Corinthians 3:17 NIV84) I dont know about you, but I want to live in freedom and unfortunately for those who don't believe in Him they cannot live in freedom. Think about this, where on earth can you possibly find true, pure, unadulterated freedom? Here? America? Ha! Yeah right, we USED to live in freedom, but now because we chose to send God away from our country, our country which was literally founded on God is a place of bondage and slavery.

It's not all at a loss by any means. As Christians we truly can walk in victory: for everyone born of God overcomes the world. This is the victory that has overcome the world, even our faith. (1 John 5:4 NIV84). Literally "in victory". That means that we don't have to be depressed, angry, frustrated, or hurt by any of our current state of affairs as a nation, world or even as an individual. We can choose joy and walk in victory. Choose joy today and do not succumb to this world's temptations to be anxious or worried or scared: "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God." (Philippians 4:6 NIV84). That's all we must do when we have hit a wall that seems impossible to overcome. Just stop and pray. Pray without ceasing and He will hear you, He will bring to you what you truly need no matter how much it stings. No matter how broken your heart is, He is near: The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Psalm 34:18 NIV84).


I pray that you accept the fact that He who began a good work WILL be faithful to complete it. Just trust in Him with all of your heart and He will bring the changes you need to be stronger in Him than ever before.

it's a sure thing.

It seems as though nothing in this life is sure: houses burn down, family members are diagnosed with an illness, we lose our jobs. We are seriously not promised tomorrow.

One thing we ARE promised is that if we profess CHRIST as our Savior, Lord and God over our hearts and life, our SALVATION, our eternity in heaven, is sure. It's secure! How cool is that?! How sweet it is to know for certain where our final destination lies. One thing that I could not believe was how. How could I be sure? How could I know that no matter what I did, thought or said, it would be completely forgiven AND forgotten? After doing some research this is what I've found:


When one first calls on the name of Christ for the repentance of sin, the Holy Spirit then dwells within us (2 Timothy 1:14), sealing us with the Spirit because we have believed in Christ (Ephesians 1:13).

Philippians 1:6 holds a sweet, sweet promise for Christians: "Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you [salvation] will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ." Paul also says in Romans 8:38-39, ^"For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Okay--pause. Nothing? Seriously nothing? Like seriously God? So my future sins, no matter how horrible, will not keep me from Your love? Praise the Lord the answer is "correct!" Because of God's great grace He has lavished on us, there is absolutely NOTHING that can keep us from His love, let alone make us "lose" our salvation. That was the purpose of the cross: Jesus Christ became a sacrifice for all, even for those who had not yet accepted him (or who never will) [Romans 5:8]. 

Once we accept Jesus as Lord and Savior, we are engraved on the palm of His hand (Isaiah 49:16) and there is nothing that can snatch us from His hand (Matthew 28:18). To know that I am engraved on Christ's hand next to the nail holes that were meant for me brings both sorrow and overwhelming joy. I obviously have joy that I am Christ's, but why sorrow? To know my God was brutally beaten, flesh ripped from his back, thorns shoved into his brow, pierced at some of the most tender muscles in the human body, to know that He got what I deserved...man, that is some great sorrow. To think of another human being doing that for me is impossible. But what great love is shown in that act, the act of laying down His life for the world; what joy that brings!

God speaks numerous words on the issue of salvation and security. There is so much more I could say to defend the statement "secure salvation", but I feel that I am sold on the idea that it's because of Him (and not anything I do) that it's a sure thing.