Through this past week, I have been (basically) cornered into a place where I have had to surrender (and re-surrender) burdens that are not mine to carry. [okay, a really quick side note, but I've always wondered exactly how do I surrender a burden? There's no "how-to" in the Bible on how to do this, and there's definitely no one that I have ever met who can give me a step by step guide]. Anyways...I have been in a place where I have had to make decisions about relationships: with the Lord, with Aaron, with my family, with my friends...with just about everyone in my life (including myself). And let me tell you, these were hard decisions. Like not, "Who do I want to spend time with today?" or "What do Aaron and I want to eat for dinner?" but hard decisions. Decisions that have caused me to make my calling and election sure, not to the Lord, but to myself. I have had to say some hard things, stand by hard actions, and cry hard. And I mean hard. The you can't breathe, can't sleep, eyes swollen, fists sore from hitting your bed hard. I have had to get on my knees and tell God that I can't do this anymore; I can't walk this walk You have called me to, or obey You, and I certainly cannot be holy like You want.
[What happened next has never brought me as much comfort or as much fear in my entire life]
"You can and you will." That's it. That's what I heard loud and clear. "You can and you will." Okay, I know it may not be THAT scary, but to know that you will be kept in suffering until God says that suffering is over is a little frightening. Actually, it's very scary for me. And to know that that suffering could be 40 days in the wilderness or 40 years in the desert causes some worry in me. See, when I was little, my mom and dad divorced (like many couples have). It has been my life to live in two places, have two families, have two lives. Because of how I grew up, I have felt the need to be in control of other people's actions. [side note: I am in no way placing blame on anyone for how I grew up; actually, I am grateful for the circumstances God has allowed. I am only explaining where this fear has come from]. So, I lived my life in two places, controlling two people who love me. I learned how to manipulate situations so people would act the way I planned. I learned how to get people to believe what I was saying, even if it wasn't true. I am scared to lose control. I am scared to give up my power to make people the way I want them to be.
But in all of that, I have lost the sight of one MAJOR detail: God is in control. What kind of crazy person am I that I wouldn't want to give God control of my life? He knows everything, He has ordained everything, and He loves me. Who could I give control to do it better? [Answer: NO ONE] Honestly, I should be overjoyed that I don't have to do this at all! As long as I obey and live in the freedom it is to be holy, I don't have to do one single thing. How comforting to know that when we let go and let God (sorry for the cliche), that we truly can have no worry or anxiety.
So God has told me that I can and I will walk the walk He has called me to. I can and I will obey Him. And I can and will be holy like He desires. I don't know what any of these look like, and I for sure don't know what He will use to get me to the place I need to be, but I do know the following:
-I am called to be holy.
-I can trust God with all things.
-His grace is sufficient in my weakness.
-I can do ALL things through Him who gives me strength.
-I AM FREE!
"In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory." Eph. 1:11-12
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