healing.

As I (almost literally) crawl into bed tonight I am just utterly and completely demolished by the overwhelming issues that I have encountered within myself that have plagued my soul for so many years. These trials were on the cusp of destroying every blessing that I have fallen in love with (including the love of my life) and most horrifyingly, I had lost sight of God in the delusion of their existence in my heart. Praise God that He reigns and that we must acknowledge Him in this way in order to live a life according to His purpose for us:

Whom have I in heaven but you?
I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart;
he is mine forever. http://bible.us/Ps73.25.NLT

There is so much wrong in our sinful nature that it can and does cloud what we must do to serve our God, but He gave us His word as a beautiful promise and a guide for our lives:

All Scripture is inspired by God and is useful to teach us what is true and to make us realize what is wrong in our lives. It corrects us when we are wrong and teaches us to do what is right. God uses it to prepare and equip his people to do every good work. http://bible.us/2Tim3.16.NLT

Although I (and many believers) know that His word is a lamp unto our feet and a light into our path we still are engulfed in a sinful world that causes us to feel pressured and trapped by iniquity, but we must remember that He only gives us what we need in order to grow whether we choose to or not:

We are pressed on every side by troubles, but we are not crushed. We are perplexed, but not driven to despair. We are hunted down, but never abandoned by God. We get knocked down, but we are not destroyed. Through suffering, our bodies continue to share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may also be seen in our bodies. http://bible.us/2Cor4.8.NLT

It is important to note that all men will stumble due to our flesh demanding us to satisfy its cravings, but God desires that we not feed the flesh, but to feed and nurture the spirit so that when we fall that we can recover no matter how many times it occurs:

The godly may trip seven times, but they will get up again. http://bible.us/Prov24.16.NLT

I have just become so exhausted with the falling, and I forget that those falls are what propel us to grow in Him. I must yield my whole self and every sin I have (and will commit) to the Lord so that I can see His divine goodness:

Yet I am confident I will see the LORD’s goodness while I am here in the land of the living. Wait patiently for the LORD. Be brave and courageous. Yes, wait patiently for the LORD. http://bible.us/Ps27.13.NLT

I'm just so impatient and selfish that I truly lose sight of Him and that in itself is sin. I tend to forget that I must trust in Him in the entirety of my being in order for me to be able to hear His words and to heed them:

Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take. http://bible.us/Prov3.5.NLT

I still fall short of always trusting in Him despite every good and perfect gift that He blesses me with, and that makes me feel so weak and feeble that I don't know how to push forward, but nevertheless, the Lord empowers me without fail to be triumphant in the sins that I am so full of:

So be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid and do not panic before them. For the LORD your God will personally go ahead of you. He will neither fail you nor abandon you. http://bible.us/Deut31.6.NLT

I just feel like I can't go on sometimes, and it's at that very moment that He reminds me that it's His heavenly grace that makes beautiful things out of our weaknesses:

Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong. http://bible.us/2Cor12.9.NLT

That all being said, I am still so unequivocally burned out, beaten, battered, bruised, and in utter pain tonight and I need rest:

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light.” http://bible.us/Matt11.28.NLT

I'm so done with all that has ensued these past few days that I can't even express joy that God has me in His hands and that He will care for me if I cast all of my cares on Him, but I can tell you this... I'm eternally grateful for what He did on the cross, and for what He is constantly doing in my heart to rip out and burn up anything and everything that is not of Him in my soul. He is literally fighting for me, and for us.

The LORD himself will fight for you. Just stay calm.” http://bible.us/Exod14.14.NLT

I don't know what He's doing and it could take time before I ever can understand what He is doing right now in and through me:

For I am about to do something new.
See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?
I will make a pathway through the wilderness.
I will create rivers in the dry wasteland. http://bible.us/Isa43.19.NLT

That must be it, I have a desperate need for a pathway, a pathway to healing that cannot be blazed by my own doing. I NEED HIM severely. I need Him more than I ever have. I need Him to take me, cleanse me of all of my sins and heal me.

Make me new Father, you're all I need.