where am i going?

[photo credit]

                                                                 

You know that feeling when you just can't see what's ahead, the feeling when everything is foggy and unclear? You don't know what maneuvers you should make or whether to turn left or right until JUST BEFORE you're supposed to.

That is exactly my life right now. I don't know what's ahead. I don't know what to expect. I can't even be sure of what the next hour holds. After a long, restless night of struggling with this loss of power and after a shattering reality check, I felt hopeless, desperate, out of control. I felt numb. Waking up was the hardest this morning and facing the day seemed nearly impossible.

But wouldn't you know, I just couldn't see what was ahead.

My friend and bridesmaid Stephanie sent me this verse this afternoon: "The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deut. 31:8). Reading these words were seriously like aloe vera on sunburned skin: soothing but quickly fading. You know what I mean, like when you put aloe vera on your burned shoulders but have to reapply 10 minutes later to get the same feeling. This verse not only comforted me, but I had to literally read it once every half an hour to be comforted by it. Before I explain how it comforts, let's dissect what it says:

1. The Lord himself goes before you-God leads the way in the fogginess of this life. He has prepared the way we should walk in. He knows the struggles that lie ahead of me and has suffered in those same struggles. Because of that very reason, He can suffer along with me.

2. The Lord himself will be with you-God has promised to always be with those He has chosen. How cool to know that the Creator of the universe desires to be with me through every circumstance?!

3. He will never leave you-When it feels as though I am alone in what I am going through, knowing that the Lover of my soul will never leave me is more comforting that Haagen Dazs Peanut Butter and Chocolate ice cream on a bad day.

4. He will never forsake you-As if staying with me forever wasn't a good enough promise, the Lord will NEVER forget me or turn His back on me. That is a promise! Think about it: God, in heaven, actually forsook His son on the Cross but promises to never forget about me? Unreal but it's a promise!

5. Do not be afraid-This is a command. If my Father in heaven commands me to be fearless, I have to trust that He is my protector and my shield and that He is the one who fights for me.

6. Do not be discouraged-Oh how easy it is to be discouraged! Look at this world, our society...if we look at our lives and our sin, it is SO easy to get carried away with discouragement. One way to combat this? Focus on the hope of heaven.

Now, as if it isn't already obvious, every verse in the Bible that serves us is comforting. To know that we are taken care of by the Creator is a relief. But how difficult it is to live out this verse: to know with full confidence that He goes before me (even when I feel like I'm at a dead end); to know He is with me (even though I am 99.99% sure I am alone); to know He won't leave me or forsake me (just refer to the two reasons above); and to obey his commands (yeaaaaah right! How am I always to be fearless and encouraged in this life?) I am standing in front of my sin in shame right now. I have not been able to know or obey any part of this verse...until today. To be at a place where I have to be completely dependent upon the Lord for guidance and direction, to lead me through the fog and to obey His leading...well, it's been a long time since I've been here. 

I guess it was time for another lesson. And you know what?

It feels good to be back at this place, fully trusting and walking in faith and victory.