almost dead.

It's painful to see when life brings so much hardship that we cannot even bare to look up and hope that the Lord is saying that this too shall pass...

I look at what has ensued in my life through the past 8 years and I have at times cringed because of the pain that was so prevalent in my past. The pain that I'm supposed to just " let go". But the fact is that it's not always that easy. It's one thing to want to, another to try to, another to have others tell you that you need to, but when you have to then that's what changes everything. The thing is, I HAD to! If I didn't, then I would literally lose all that I had grown to love in my life. The Lord made it clear to me that I cannot, and will not be okay to hold onto the past anymore.

So...how do I do that?

How do I let go of pain that I do not know how to let go of? Where is it and is it possible to let it go? Well that's the thing.. it's not possible without God. I was looking to let things go within my own power, but what I wasn't realizing was that I needed to give it to God and listen closely to Him for how to defeat my sin.

I didn't even realize that I WAS sinning though! How is it that what happened when my dad and mom separated and caused me to become the head of the household was causing me to sin? That's just it though. I was unaware of my resentment and unwillingness of my sinful selfish heart, to admit that I STILL hadn't forgiven my family and I had especially neglected to see the sin of not forgiving the father who the Lord blessed me with.

So there it was, I was face to face with my sin. Now what though? How do I let it go? Well, I forgive. I went to my family, and I began the tough process of speaking to them about how much pain I grew up though since 2005, and guess what. The Lord blessed it. He truly has helped me to surpass this struggle and thanks to Jesus it has passed and I can truly let it go.

Now I'm here, just wanting to heal. I feel much like a tree that has been growing up around thistles, trash, and debris and I (as that tree) just decided to grow despite those things. Those things began to slowly but surely envelop into the tree trunk of my development and although I didn't want that, I knew I had to let it happen, much like how I now know that God HAD to rip those debris out of me. He cut my trunk, and slowly but meticulously cleared out all of those unhealthy contaminants and it is finally time for healing. I'm so glad that no matter how hard it became, and no matter how excruciating it was to have those things yanked from my foolishly tight grasp, that the Lord cleansed me of my unrighteousness, sorrow and pain.

Now, it's just me, the Lord, and lots of healing within myself, Skyler, our relationship, and our families that we all so desperately need. Praise Him ALWAYS!

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ! In his great mercy he has given us new birth into a living hope through the resurrection of Jesus Christ from the dead, and into an inheritance that can never perish, spoil or fade–kept in heaven for you, who through faith are shielded by God's power until the coming of the salvation that is ready to be revealed in the last time. In this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that your faith–of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire–may be proved genuine and may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed." 1 Peter 1:3-7