brokenness.

For the past 3 months, I have been doing an internship at Olive Crest in their Foster & Adoption center. I have been monitoring visits between abused and neglected children and their biological parents. Today, it's gotten to me. I've tried not to get attached, to not feel my heart break when I see a parent mistreat a child, to know that my job has a tiny, tiny, tiny impact on the outcome of these children's lives. But today, I've realized that I'm human. After doing one of my regular visits this morning, the thought of how the biological mother treated Sophia* turns my stomach. The way she strolled in 10 minutes late, not even acknowledging Sophia; how the only words she said to Sophia were dripping with contempt and dislike; when she said the visit "wasn't really that fun today" in front of her daughter...all these things (and more) make me cry out to God for protection for Sophia. My heart breaks for this little girl, for her confusion of who her real mommy is, for the way this woman who is supposed to love her, sacrifice for her, take care of her no matter the cost doesn't...it just infuriates me so incredibly much. After realizing this and crying to Aaron and Sophia's foster mom on the phone, my pain comes down to a simple desire: I just want to help children. I want to make life better for them. I want to fight for them, advocate for them, give them a voice and protect them from abusive and negligent parents. God, show me how to do this. Show me where to go, how to start, where to begin, who to talk to. Break my heart for what breaks yours and please never ever EVER allow my heart to be calloused to the pain of Your precious children.

*Name was changed for protection over a sweet little girl.

30 days of gratitude: day 6.

Today is a day to be grateful. Despite sorrow, stress, worry, anxiety, a less than favorable election outcome, sadness and insanity, today is a day to be grateful. I am grateful for the cool nights we have been blessed with in this hot hot HOT fall. I am grateful for the stars that shine ever so beautifully when the sun goes down at 5:15. But one thing I am most grateful for today is the hope of heaven. It's the only thing that can anchor my worried wandering soul. No matter what happens to our nation, to my family or our careers or health care or children, I will trust in God with all that I am. I will trust God to provide, to oversee, to be sovereign, just like He always has and always will be.

30 days of gratitude: day 5.

Today was ROUGH. Extremely rough. Funny how some days can be filled with absolutely nothing memorable yet can yield some of the highest emotions. 

Yet, in the midst of extreme highs and lows, I was so blessed to attend a prayer meeting at my old church. Seeing the sanctuary filled with hundreds of people crying out for mercy on our nation and favor in this election was so incredible. In the midst of trial and hardship, I am grateful for the simple things.

30 days of gratitude: days 3 & 4.

I was busy busy yesterday {hence no blog post!} Yesterday, I was so grateful to just relax. Relaxation is definitely rare at this point in my life so it's a luxury to just be. Aaron had a cute date set up when I got to his house: working on wedding crafts, dinner at Crab Cooker, walking around Fashion Island and ending the night with a couple of episodes of Law & Order SVU (if you ask Aaron, he'd say I'm obsessed!) I felt so happy yesterday, just being right where I should. And for that, I am grateful.

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Today, I am grateful for the church I attend. I am grateful for a pastor who seeks truth, for a congregation that deeply cares about one another and for a community where the ultimate goal is to reach the lost. Today, I started a new devotion from Sarah Young called Take My Heart, Oh God. I read about Lottie Moon, missionary to China in the late nineteenth century.  In her commentary, Young said the following:

 How important it is for us to not hoard our salvation and sit on it happy as a clam, but to use our salvation, to work it out with fear and trembling, to bring the lost world to Christ.

Going into church with this on my heart, we talked about Orphan Sunday. Orphan Sunday is a day for the church body to come together with one purpose and one voice advocating for care for the orphans, adoption and foster care. We heard from a precious family who has put this commandment into practice. Knowing that God takes us in, as orphans, to clothe us, love us, restore us until we're healed...that is what we are called to as Christians. WE are called to care for the orphans; WE are called to love them; WE are called to aid in the restoring.

Watch this video. It will enlighten you to the plight of the orphan, fatherless and widow. I am grateful that I have been adopted as a child of God.

30 days of gratitude: day 2.

 

Sister sandwich

2011

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Pizza party with my brothers

2011

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Kyra and I---Easter

2011

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On this beautiful day in Southern California (which I am definitely grateful for), I can't help but think about how blessed I am. One reason I am truly grateful is because of these beautiful people above and below...my family. I have a lot of family and I am beyond blessed because of that. I am always loved, always cared for, always clothed. I often forget the privilege of a good family. I am a child advocate, specifically for those abused, and I am often enraged by the lack of care and love these children get. I am an intern at Olive Crest Foster & Adoption Center so I see this first hand. I monitor visits between children who have been removed from their homes and their biological parents. Don't get me wrong, there are definitely parents who are doing all that they can to be better to their children. But I have encountered some crazies alright...and while it makes me upset and angry, it reminds me of who loves me, and how absolutely fortunate I am.

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My step-mom Emily & my dad

Their wedding day

2003

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Me and my mom

Mother's Day

2011

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My mom, step-dad Rick, Aaron & I

The day we got engaged

02.29.12

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30 days of gratitude: day 1.

Today, I am thankful for this man. I am thankful for his devotion to God, family and ministry. I am grateful for his perseverance, love and empathy. I am thankful that he is patient with me, always kind and always seeking the best for me. He makes me laugh and is the most gentle man I've ever known. 

As I reflect back on the time we've spent together, a lot of emotions flood my heart: joy, excitement, striving, pushing, creating, loving...we have already been through so much. While we have both made mistakes and have said and done things we shouldn't, the grace of God is all that remains. To know that God has created this relationship (when I sure didn't ever think that was going to happen!), to remember his care & tenderness when my step-dad battled cancer and when my dad had a stroke and to see his pain when his grandpa died, all I can do is stand (well, sit...) here and see everything God has done in and through Aaron.

And all I'm left with is gratitude.

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Flower fields

Carlsbad, CA

Summer 2012

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Taking care of me when I fell down the stairs

2012

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Snoozin' & treats with Lola

2012

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october in photos.

 Date night at Moreno's and the movies

10.12.12

 Polka dot nails and rose gold polish for fall!

10.10.12

 Breakfast at Bagel Me!

10.21.12

Pictures of my handsome man at our engagement shoot

October has been a month that has FLOWN by. Can't wait to see what November brings!

she smiles at the future.

The future...it is definitely a scary, scary thing. One thing I have had trouble learning is how to smile at the future, how to be excited about not knowing anything! It is a crazy thought.

There are PLENTY of things to look forward to...end of the semester, Christmas, graduation, oh, and did I mention GETTING MARRIED?! 2013 will be a year of change. Starting a new life as a wife and a college graduate, I have no idea what I am going to do. I've never been a wife, and I have been in school since I was 3 years old...the future is most definitely overwhelming.

"Behold, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are continually before me." --Isaiah 49:16

I can say with absolute certainty that the future makes me nervous. Heck, it scares me! But I serve a God who has my life in the palm of his hand. I am ENGRAVED there. He knows what will happen tomorrow, next month and in 10 years. He knows everything.

"She is clothed with strength and dignity; she laughs at the days to come" --Proverbs 31:25

I can only hope and pray that God transforms me into a woman who does not cry and worry at what career I will pursue or if I will be a good wife, but that I would smile and laugh at what God has planned, knowing that God is greater than this whole wide universe and has a wonderful, incredible plan for me.

all i need.

"Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth. (Psalm 73:25 NASB)"

God has been allowing me to be completely and totally stripped of my fiancée this week and He is showing me just how absolutely priceless she is in every aspect of my life. He is reminding me of how much I not only desire and want to see her on a daily basis, but also how much I depend on her for things in my life. The thing is though, I don't need her. See, that may sound mean or harsh, but that's something I've been having to cope with. I want her so much that it feels like a need, but all I truly need and will ever need is God.

I may feel weak and exhausted and even like a failure so many days, but ultimately like its says in the very next verses of Psalms: "My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. But as for me, the nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works. (Psalm 73:26, 28 NASB)"

I just want to be nearer to Him, so near that I am totally and completely satisfied in Him because I am touching the hem of His garment.

Draw near to the Lord. That's all I know how to do. He will always be everything we need.

proxy.

Thought for the day:

Think about this: we are placed on earth, blessed to be Christians and we are here "on behalf of" the Lord. What does that mean? It's simply that we are here on this planet solely to represent our loving Savior Jesus Christ, and to serve Him by going about every aspect of our days by doing as He would do.

The thing is, always doing as the Lord would do is quite the difficult task (okay, a REALLY difficult task) and one that literally cannot be undertaken without Christ as the light unto your path. Thankfully, as Christians, we can take comfort in the fact that He can and does empower, encourage and enable us no matter what the seemingly impossible task may be to defeat and conquer every single obstacle in life as long as we abide in Him for our strength.